Apathy and Confidence

Sunday August 25, 2013

This weekend was spent with my good friends and fellow Peace Corps Volunteers at their new home. They recently moved sites, away from their tiny town of 4,000 to the nearby University town of Robe, 14 km from Goba. We had a nice time sitting and talking, largely about the challenges that Ethiopia and we face. In is in this mood that I continue the reflection.

First on my mind is the continued impact of government dictated careers. I mentioned before that an Ethiopians career is determined by their high school test scores, sending them to a preselected university to study a preselected field. (And sadly the ones who fail the test are assigned the job of being elementary and middle school teachers). Once you graduate, or if, as the majority of girls face sexual harassment from their professors, if lucky you are assigned a government job somewhere in the country. This can mean getting placed in the smallest of towns, away from your family, doing a job that you have no interest in.  Hense the apathy and lack of enthusiasm to do work.

This is what I see every time I climb the hill in Goba to check in at the Agricultural Office, bored, uninspired people biding their time at their job. Everyone sees the huge challenges the country faces so a common solution is to attend the endless administrative meetings to discuss and debate the issues. Which, from what I have been told, rarely accomplish anything. Yikes. This is one of the many reasons that I continue to struggle in finding any sort of real work project.

When you have been commanded and directed your whole life it is no wonder that when someone (a small female ferengi) asks you what you think and how you would address an issue that the answer would be a blank stare or to blame the government.  Why is it so much easier to come up with excuses rather than solutions? As I reflect on my own internal metamorphosis I think part of the answer is confidence. The inner belief that you are valuable, intelligent, special and fully capable to not only survive but to thrive in life. If everyone felt this, the world would be a different place.

Instead we see 12 year old girls giving birth as a result of being raped, streets flooded due to lack of infrastructure, the disappearance of the last remaining 5% of Ethiopian forest, boredom, criticism and frustration….well maybe I’m projecting the last one. But things can be pretty dire here and sitting around trying to figure out how to help is quite a challenge. As I already mentioned I’m not working on a project, and am slowly trying to piece my information and contacts together to formulate something that will help. I knew this would be part of the process but it can be quite a head trip.

It means lots of free time in which to think, reflect and ponder. As well as meditate, of which I am doing and enjoying a lot. Which brings me back to reflecting on the question how do you cultivate confidence in yourself and others? Cultivate enthusiasm, determination, motivation?  I fluctuate between the answers of acceptance and inspiration. Acceptance of the complexity of how life is, of the many influences and factors that bring each of us to this moment, as it is. Balanced with the wisdom of inspired action, trying something new and being willing to fail, to learn, to grow. Imagination that a different reality is possible and that I, you, and we can make it happen. It is in finding this balance, the ebb and flow of action and reflection that I find myself.  A continual wave often pounding, sometimes easing me against the shore of perspective truth and insight.

But that is life right? No matter where we are. Or who we are. And when I drop the internal American “work = success” pressure I can relax and enjoy being here, being me, and seeing little changes.

In the meantime, when the tide is out and I am content I dink around in my garden, go for exploratory walks and try to study Amharic, knowing how crucial it is for connection and exchange. Or simple etiquette as my 70 year old, slightly perverted, neighbor Ato Kasai recently helped me learn the importance of pronouncing a rolling “r” when saying yibirdal “it is cold” to avoid the accidental embarrassment of saying yibidal “that was good sex”. Oops!

I also really enjoy baking things like cinnamon date bread, of which I am going to go eat a warm slice of right now.  (Thanks Dad for the walnuts and Mom for the coconut!)